Gender Dysphoria, sometimes referred to as Gender Identity Disorder, is a recognised condition by both the NHS and the World Health Organisation.

There is plenty written about Gender Dysphoria, and most definitions follow a similar structure:

• Google: The condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex.
• NHS: Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there’s a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity.
• WebMD: People who have gender dysphoria feel strongly that they are not the gender they physically appear to be.

Like many conditions related to the brain, the severity of gender dysphoria can’t be neatly measured. Just as physical pain varies from person to person, so does psychological and emotional pain—it’s all relative.

My Personal Experience with Gender Dysphoria

For me, gender dysphoria felt like a slow, creeping psychological cancer—one that grew relentlessly until I could no longer ignore it.

A consultant who was an FTM transgender person once told me, “It’s like being in a constant state of PMT, day in, day out, hour after hour.” He had experienced PMT before transitioning, so his description resonated with me—it felt like exactly what I was suffering.

The moment I knew I had to take action was when I found myself dressing, undressing, and changing back again in sheer disgust—seven or eight times a day, for hours on end.

The cycle was relentless:

• Get dressed, put on makeup, feel momentary relief.
• Then, the self-hatred kicked in—the disgust, the belief that I was some kind of freak.
• Undress, spiral into guilt, try to suppress the feelings.
• Repeat, over and over.

I even became self-employed partly to isolate myself, locking myself away in a tiny office, abandoning a stable career in an attempt to “fix” myself. Suicide became a frequent thought, creeping closer as an option each day—until I finally went to see a GP, and my journey began.

The Internal Struggle

Gender dysphoria felt like my brain was constantly fluctuating, bouncing between the urge to be more feminine and the pressure to be more masculine. Every time it swung from one extreme to another, it felt like it was slamming into opposing walls, creating relentless internal torment.

I understand the opposite of dysphoria is euphoria, and living in a state of constant euphoria isn’t healthy. So equally, being trapped in the washing machine cycle of dysphoria is just as destructive.

The only time I felt even remotely congruent with my gender was in that split second after getting dressed—before the crushing guilt pulled me straight back down again.

An Unusual Experience with Dysphoria

Unlike many transgender people, I wasn’t fighting my biological sex. I didn’t struggle with being male. I wasn’t distressed by having a penis, nor did I experience sexual gratification from dressing in women’s clothes. I had no desire to “be” female.

Instead, something in my brain was miswired—a hormonal imbalance, or something deeper, was forcing me to be more feminine, whether I wanted it or not.

For years, I said the same thing:
“If someone could give me a pill to fix my dysphoria and make me 100% ‘vanilla man,’ I would take it in a heartbeat.”

That pill doesn’t exist.

However, the pain of dysphoria is gone. I take female hormones, and while there are physical side effects, they are far easier to manage than the torment of dysphoria.

Seeking Help is Crucial

For anyone struggling with gender dysphoria, it can be eased—it can be helped. Seeking medical attention is vital.

Doctors told me repeatedly that trying to beat dysphoria through willpower, alcohol, or extreme physical effort wouldn’t work. It never goes away.

It’s something you have to treat, manage, and accept—because trying to fight it alone will break you.

This is just my personal take on gender dysphoria, but if you are struggling, seek professional advice. There is support out there, and you don’t have to go through it alone.