All my life I have struggled to truly come to terms with the understanding that I suffer from what is often described as gender dysphoria.  I personally hate the term but it is what it is, as a born male I was told in my 40’s by the NHS to change my sex marker to female, which is wrong and change my name to a more female name, also wrong.  I didn’t want to change my sex marker or my name I simply wanted the medication that would fix the problem I had in my head, this imbalance in the way I felt, a true mental health problem of massive proportions. After almost ten psychiatric consultations, not to mention counselling I was prescribed estrogen for the rest of my life.  My partner a mental health nurse describes the effects of the estrogen I started taking as the quickest and most powerful stabilising form of medication that she has ever seen anyone take, more powerful and profound than any psychoactive medication she has seen administered.

I almost instantly felt better, not fixed but better.  Given that I had begged for a magic bullet of a ‘blue pill’, it was ‘pink pills’ that fixed me.  I was now 40 something called Ms, my sex on my records and my passport was Female not through choice but because that was what the NHS demanded.  To boot I am a bald male, yes I like a dress from time to time but who doesn’t, but to all around me I was still the same me, but better, nothing about the way I looked was different.  I dressed as I had always done, jeans and a t-shirt, I still had a pee stood up and went to the male toilets when out.

I was initially told I had to step on the NHS path for full sex reassignment surgery, but I fought, I mean fought tooth and nail against that.  I wanted the medication to help me, I didn’t want to change my name, didn’t want to change my sex and most certainly didn’t want to give up my penis.  So after many, many years I got what I needed to help me knowing the medication I was taking came with a bunch of risks and side effects.  Firstly they would more than likely bring about secondary sex characteristics, breast development, softer skin etc, plus I had an increased risk of breast cancer and deep vein thrombosis, not to mention an increased risk of liver problems and of course muscle wastage.

Irrespective mentally I felt more settled and as far as I was concerned I was a better version of me, breast development etc hadn’t happened and I got on with living a better life.

For those who don’t have any real idea what ‘gender’ dysphoria is like, well dysphoria is the opposite to euphoria, both are extreme on the scale of emotions.  Once a transexual psychiatrist (Dr Richard Curtis) born female who transitioned to ‘male’ totally got what I was going through, he described it as having many frequent bouts of PMT each day.  I was having these four, five or six times a day.  Crazy swings in how I felt about myself settled only by transforming myself into what I saw reflected back from the mirror as a female version of me, apparently this action somehow generates a response hormonally that soothed my brain, from my life experiences that’s what happened.  Although the reflection was also followed by hatred for not being me, guilt, anxiety, fear you name it, so I would strip off the make-up and go back to the more male version of me.  Not too long after the dysphoria or as I see it hormone imbalance came back again and again I would transform, rinsing and repeating the cycle each day.  I had even given up a very very well-paid job to deal with this whole problem that was constantly making me feel suicidal.

I had been a great manager and well paid in the creative design sector but that was gone now and all I focused on essentially was stopping myself from throwing myself under a train, I hated myself, hated the fact I wasn’t the dad I wanted to be to my kids, hated everything about me and drank and smoked myself to near destruction.  I had been a great sportsman, a great employee, partner and friend and now all I had was this sickness in me, a sickness that had grown since the age of five, a sickness I was born with apparently.

Ok so how are people born with this sickness?  Apparently from what I have been told and have researched, it’s believed that as we are all gestated in part female, we all have the basic building blocks of being female in us, only at a certain point in the gestation something changes to send some of us down the path of being a male baby, the rest develop as female.  So some babies hermaphrodites are born with both sets of gonads and or a partially formed amalgam of the two.  Some other people like me are born with brains with female hormone receptors still open and active that crave female hormones.  So in effect, people such as me and countless others are born as hermaphrodites mentally yet physically we are all male, I assume there is a similar issue for those born female yet feel aligned to the male side, I’m not one of those people so have no idea, I’m just me.

So life was what it was for me and 10+ years on at the age of 53 almost and without going into pages and pages of detail I have fathered three children, attracted to females, got an obvious and bra-filling bust, bald as the day I was born and have played sport at a high level as a youth.  In addition, I have lost a lot of muscle, still enjoy DIY, fixing stuff and now my doctor who doesn’t really have time to know me thinks I am born as a female who is ‘choosing’ to live life as a man.

Hmm, no wonder I have no idea how to fit into this life of transgender squabbles.  Seriously, I am trying hard to live and thrive in a world in which I have no idea where I fit, how I am supposed to present, how do I live with the secondary sex characteristics that lead the way – my chest, and how can I relax into life as the non binary person I have become.  I stress none of this is THROUGH CHOICE but through the process of trying to stay well.  I have very low self-esteem and fear of going out however I present as I don’t want any looks, comments or otherwise.

All the same, life is so different to the world I grew up in the 70’s so very different, today women have won a major international football tournament an idea that was a pipe dream for females back in the seventies.  It is this milestone in history, the victory of the Lionesses and reading a few articles that Julie Burchill wrote that inspired me to write this post.

Now it is important to understand I am not in anyway shape or form on any social media platform, I am not sitting in an echo chamber of opinions.  Secondly, I am simply a 50-something with real-life experience of my own trans issues, I have no alignment or axe to grind with any faction or school of thought but I do feel my opinion sat as a grain of dust in cyberspace is important to put out there.  If nothing else someone may gain some greater sense of understanding and or a different perspective.

Julie Burchill et al, JK Rowling and all have a very valid point in all this trans debate.

There, I said it.  I was spurred to write this after sitting watching the newspaper review on Sky news, I noticed a headline about the England Women’s team victory written by Julie in the Daily Mail

“In an age where women’s very existence is being denied, this glorious show of bold feminity can change the world”

On reading the headline and the article it came from I looked at some of Julies other articles specifically one in The Spectator, How the word ‘woman’ became taboo.  In this article, she talks about in a nutshell how the concept and rights of women are being attacked by the ‘woke’ generation and their desire to ensure trans people have equal rights and be treated and respected as women.

Hmm, she has a point in my mind.

The point she makes is in the main right and fair but is tinged so badly by an almost aggressive delivery.  A delivery I assume that is designed to gain readers and grab headlines, it’s her job so ‘Vive la free speech’.

Given I am battling with trying to understand how I live as an authentic version of me amidst this apparent carnage and almost scary militancy from all camps, I sat and thought what lesson is in this for me.  What truth with my bust that has developed as a side effect, my muscle loss, and of course my penis, what truth can I take about my life I have lived and the confident free living person I want to become.  What lesson is in Julies comments and indeed the hail of fighting I hear around toilets, self-identification etc.

My perspective comes from the fact I am not aligned to any faction,  I simply want to find the keys to open up my future to live as an authentic version of me.  So here goes.

Revelation number one, males and females are not equal.  We have different biology, different reasons in nature to exist, males cannot give birth to babies, females do not have sperm, females would struggle to pee up a wall whereas males can easily achieve this childish action.  Females and males are predisposed to a higher risk of different medical problems, females have to operate, put up with, deal with the pain and issues around monthly mensuration, males have no concept of how monthly periods can be a pain in the ….  Males tend to lose their hair which would be devastating to many females, males also tend to be much physically stronger than most females.  The differences at a biological level and the social risks for females such as rape, sexual exploitation etc etc are known and experienced daily.

So yes females and males are different.  Both sides of the sexes need to be afforded equal respect for their differences.  The spanner in the works comes from this concept of what it means to be a woman or a man, gender is the problem as gender is such a relatively new concept in history.  Today the lines on gender are being torn up no matter which sex prescribed them in the first place, yes I know Julie that history states males prescribed these stereotypes to suit their needs.

Irrespective of what history shows us it’s time we took a proper objective look at this and I do so by looking at myself.  I am male, I am a male person who has due to medication got a bust, I am also one of the more colourful males in society naturally but not someone who’s a drag queen or wants to be a woman, I simply appreciate from time to time more colourful, softer attire.  Yes I may be more aligned to the more feminine aspects of life in some ways but also equally aligned with the more stereotypical masculine aspects of life too.  I believe females should be allowed the same freedoms of expression and sports etc that males are allowed in fact everyone should be encouraged to do all sports.  Equally, I believe all males should have the same freedoms without prejudice from either sex to express themselves how they choose, wear what ever they want, choose a dress and heels, a boiler suit and pumps, whatever.  Females are allowed these freedoms why not males?

In other words, it must go both ways, we must all work together to level the playing field.  But we must also respect and embrace the differences too, look hard at the obvious elephants in the room both from a biological and social perspective.  What I mean by this is best described using the pointy stick of toilets.

Females more often than not prefer to pee in a squatting or sitting position, fact.  Males prefer in the main to pee standing up.  It’s also known that due to the vagaries of some of the male sex that females can be more vulnerable than males, especially when they need to go to the toilet in a public place.  So let’s respect this fact and state toilets options are defined as female toilets and male toilets.  My need to pee whilst wearing a dress as a male person with a bust is my problem, my fight, not a fight I should take to the majority.  It is, without doubt, difficult for me yes I understand that, but if I reach between my legs I know I have a penis I know I am male and therefore quite frankly it’s my problem where I pee.  The row isn’t one for females to take on board, it’s a row I must have with either my male counterparts or indeed the places that offer toilets, can they not provide a unisex toilet option, I’m not disabled but couldn’t I use that W.C?

The same goes for sports, by all means, have mixed football teams, and let females play alongside males, but let’s not forget the simple facts here.  In the main males are physically stronger than females that fact cannot be denied, so if you were born male and are an athlete who is on female hormones, the argument isn’t about being allowed to compete against females, the argument is about how you deal with your own life issues.  If you are one of these sports persons who lobby to be allowed to play in female teams and sports, look inside, yes it is sad that you needed to take hormones and maybe feel that you are a female wrapped in the shroud of a male body and yes I feel for you so much from my own experience.  Sadly though, that’s your issue to work through not something that should erode the lives of females who have worked hard to get where they are in sport.

Turning to me once more I have bleated about how unfair this or that is, why I can’t fit in how I feel under threat from x or y or what I do with this bust that I understand and am happy is a part of my life story, but in some ways hate because I don’t know how to fit in to life with it.  That’s my problem, my problem I have to work out.  Oh yes it would be great for people to see me as simply another version of the human species 100% of the time, but people don’t work like that nor should I expect, fight or moan that life isn’t different.  It’s my problem, my problem I need to work out and I either stand up straight take the knocks when they come, be brave, have confidence in abundance and carve out a life that is rounded or I sit and hide for the rest of my life.

I understand now more than ever none of us are equal but we all should have equal opportunities to live full and complete, peaceful lives.  Sadly though no matter how much we try to level the playing field of life and society and yes we should try we will all remain different.  Some disadvantaged, some poor others born with riches, we all must look at life from a simpler perspective and appreciate the small things that form the foundations on which we all stand, start with being able to breath, see, listen, watch, move, eat, drink, sleep, most of us are lucky to know what these things feel like, it is these things that we should all value and appreciate.

My fight is mine, my problems my own, Julie Burchill has her problems and so do we all.  Banding together and standing behind common causes can be a great thing and we can achieve so much, working as a team is easier than working as an individual but when a group or a team forget to scope out it becomes a selfish militant force hellbent on change, being second only to bullying or worse.  No matter if you are a feminist and trans activist, part of Stonewall, a Butcher, Baker or Candlestick maker, or any other faction shouting for change, remember that all sides have a valid point to make.  Sometimes just sometimes some individuals have to simply walk on with hope in their hearts that they will find the solution to their own problems and potentially help improve life for others too.

Stoicism isn’t a word used often these days but I believe it’s what we lack as people these days, I’m not saying we should all fail to react when we win, or stop crying when we lose or get hurt.  All the same, understanding that we are all as equal and different, strong and weak both mentally and physically would probably bring greater harmony and greater respect in society.  Moreover understanding that everyone can and does play a part in society either positively or negatively and it is for each of us to walk a path of positive holistic self-improvement whilst respecting the needs of others in the round.